forgive,forget, move on

by now, you should know hes no good for you. you should know, it actually hurts me to see you with him. you are so much better. your so much better and you know it. somewhere deep inside you, there is a part that knows what hes doing is wrong but you make excuse after excuse and forgive him again and again. if this continues, where will it stop. whether you want to face it or not, it is abuse. im afraid it never will. i am afraid that he will never stop until he has destroyed everything that is good about you. everything i like about you. and then in turn, he will destroy a little bit of everything around you. look what he did to steffen. you cant deny that what he said isnt cruel, yet you forgive, you forget , you move on. in the end, it is your life, but from right now on, if anything were to happen that hurt you beyond repair i think i would put myself at fault because i didnt say enough but it is your life and if you want me to stop i will. do whatever is right for you.

a disappearing act

i guess the hardest thing about all of this, is knowing that inside of you, there is a guy i once upon a time enjoyed the company of. every passing day, it becomes a little harder to see that genuine person. for this, i must ask myself, did i see the real you? or was that just a stunt to get my attention? if it was, you should do stunts more often because your a better person that way. you used to be awesome and funny and fun to be around, now you walk around acting like your on top of the world. i used to see right through it too but i guess the hardest part your act is becoming less transparent and seemingly just becoming who you are. youve got this notion of what you want yourself to look like, and its not who you are. im sure somewhere deep down, tucked in a far corner, someone genuine is hidding, just waiting to come out. i just hope you find him before he disappears all together.

misleading letters+magical moments+heat=me right now

hello outer-gallactic-terrestrials. i will start with heat, because it is indeed easiest to explain. randomly today right after school it got hot, like summer hot. this was kinda nice. moving on to magical moments, i spent the afternoon hanging out with none other than the steffen-ator. i think we were on the trampoline for 3 hours.. more or less and we just talked. it was enchanting to a whole new level. its kinda hard to imagine life without him. its almost like i think i would be a totally different person if i had never met him. its sad to think one day i wont see him on a daily basis... for that matter i might not even see him on an annual basis. but... they were magical moments filled with nothingness that made them so special and memorable. its so easy to get caught up in the moment with him that i barely realize any time goes by. and i was thinking of the amount of should-be-awkward moments there are but they arent at all awkward. its almost... natural. the next and seemingly final part of my day is not so happy. for a problem that started last night at the dinner table with my brother has proceeded to today. after a series of harsh words ( i thought i stayed relatively quiet but apparently not) he ran upstairs to his room not to be seen until morning. today, he left a not on my bed pretty much saying i tell him my grades are better than his just to get at him. (as you can see i found this to be a personal attack on me because there is a part in the letter that directly refers to me by using my name) and you know what? maybe i do use it to get at him a bit because with him, i can never win. im not stronger than he is so he can over-power me by not hurting me badly but just enough to upset me, he can argue with me about anything, he can play music as loud as he wants while i work, but suddenly i am not allowed to play music while he is working, etc. and in situations where i cant win, i look for alternatives, doesnt everyone. no one likes to fail repeatedly.if anyone who reads this enjoys failing, maybe i am just seeing life through a really extreamly warped way, but i am thinking im not too far off the truth.

stay golden ponyboy,

guess who?
emiglo...
how did you know!