2010

what was it? well, it was... interesting. that seems to be my catch phrase lately. it was interesting. it started off fantastically. Brittany was the first major thing that happened. fun fun fun!! what better to do than spend a week with your best friends, minus 2. we had our quibbles which i feel i have to cower under the nearest table because it was about a guy. but overall it was fun. then was the summer. roads end farm 2010, a year to remember. new friends, old friends, and probably my best summer yet horse wise. all of the tears that stained my shirt as we left wont ever be forgotten. then off to carbondale. colorado was fantastic. but now comes the hard part. the 2010-2011 school year. hmm how to start. i dont want to recount all of it for my clean slate policy is still in act, but i will say, i have learned more in this year than i have in any other year. it was the whole idea of letting go that really made me realize what i was doing wrong this entire time. i was letting go. i didnt need to let go, but just put them away. so, the most important thing about this post, is the fact that i want to thank all of my followers for listening to me when i was, not depressed, but depressed. most of all, all of my friends (real friends) that helped me. thank you so much. you couldnt understand how much you helped me grow as a person. so.... what to take away from this year:

and most of all,

Love & happy almost 2011!!!,

Emiko

this is the last post... like this... at least for a while

its funny how one person can rob so much from you, not  in a over dramatic teenage way e.g HE TOOK MY HEART, no... not at all, but in material things. like songs you used to love or food that you adored but cant stand anymore because they remind you of a certain person or a memory. like i can no longer listen to Billionaire, granted it wasnt a fantastic song to begin with, without getting a giant knot in my stomach. also with Secrets and pumpkin pie. although i have somewhat rehabilitated my self from these considering the fact i ate pumpkin pie and listened to secrets this morning... but it just isnt the same. after the third or so bite of pumpkin pie, it all turns to ashes in my mouth and in the middle of secrets i blink and see that icy cold face. but now, i look back on my last blog post, and i was wrong. really really wrong. i cant just let go and pretend it never happened because it did. i have to remember in order to learn and make sure it wont happen again. this relationship proved everything i thought about middle school relationships. they are stupid and pointless because no one really cares. everyone sugar coats it and blames it on home life and how it is hard for everyone. every time, it boils down to not caring enough. the thing that truly pissed me off about this, was having to find me again. even though change is frequent, when people are together they change together and all this change seems WAY less radical. you will never be the same person you were a year ago and neither will i. i thought i was done looking for me when i found my best friend last year, but this entire school year has changed me so much, i actually have to look for a new me. i have to figure out who the new me is and hopefully i will find that this new me is better than the old me.

all of this realization kind of ties in with my next topic: resolutions

1. I will never completely "let go" of anything. you learned something from it and if you forget that thing entirely, you will continue to make the same mistakes continuously. 
2. I will no longer drag on this slightly depressing strand of events on this blog.
3. I will always start the day with a positive thought
4. I won't date for the rest of 8th grade.
5. I will be me, whoever me is no one will change who I am.

Love & The last post like this for a while,

Emiko

letting go

the crane floated away softly. gliding on the water leaving a ripple in its wake. i let out a long breath. now its gone, something i am never going to think about again. just one thing i am letting go of forever.

and thats it. the new tradition. me sitting on my day bed, blasting music, and writing down one thing that i want to forget about this year. i then fold it into an imperfect, just like me, crane and set it free on the pond outside our house. and, its gone. out of my memory forever.

The first one

 The second and first ones

so i plan to do this until the new year, and the day before the new year, i will write my hopes for the new year on a blue crane and set it free with the others.

Love & Probably Over Sentimental Actions,

Emiko

its just that one little imperfection

there has been one little thing that has been really bugging me since the start of vacation and i came to, i dont want to say amends because we arent friends but we simply parted ways after a long smoldering silence between us. it was a huge relief for that weight to be taken off of my shoulders. but a while ago at the school dance/social depending on what you call it and my recent X was there and ignoring me. this was fine really. i didnt really care. i personally hate these socials but i am on student council so i have to attend. anyway, for the last dance i decided not to be a hermit/loner person so i danced with this guy to that song Secrets by One Republic, and while i was dancing with this other guy my X made eye-contact with me and gave me the most venomous look i have ever received in my life. it literally made the blood in my veins feel like they turned to ice. this awful look has, i know how creepy and odd this sounds, come to haunting me in a way. it is the one end that is not tied in my social life. every time i close my eyes i cant escape his ice-y stare. but yeahh i just have to let go, i am trying to upload a pic of the dance, but its not working....




hope you enjoy some slightly modern christmas music... its actually pretty good! i like it so i hope you do too! Enjoy!

Love & A desperate attempt to end this post happily,

Emiko

this is me

i hope you do one day become who you are. in a way it sounds stupid, like in the way a 3 year old would say "of course you should be who you are" type of thing but it is really true. i guess it is one of those sad things about growing up. i have finally come to peace with myself. i have made several promises to myself including most importantly, not compromising who i am to make someone like me. i AM going to be me. another is not going out with anyone for the next year to make it nearly impossible to bend promise number one.now all of the ends are tied in a wonderful bow just in time for X-mas break. i can leave feeling accomplished and come back with a fresh new slate. i have lost some friends but finally this entire tangled situation into neat knots, well, mostly. its complicated but at the same time, it is utter sanity for me. i am finally making myself happy. i am happy to be me. i have my blog followers, my family, my dogs, my life, my freedom and that is a lot more than so many people in this world. i cant promise a perfect year, but i can strive to be the best me there is and thats all i can wish for.



Love & Peace at Last,

Emiko

another fairytale ends...

sadly, today another fairytale came to an end. It mostly started yesterday when I was on facebook editing my friends group, which is a really handy tool, when I realized I only had one person in my guy best friend group. Some of you might think that its trivial and nothing to get worked up about but it seemed so much more full with two other people in it. It was a depressing moment for me. It forced me to reflect on some of the more painful moments of this school year. This miniscule event surfaced hundreds of events that make me want to crawl into bed, recently my only safe haven. I was happy last night to escape to my bed at a reasonable hour but when I woke up it all started again. (insert long and whining story here in which I decided to delete) I guess the moral of the story is, people make promises that they cant keep, especially regarding change within themselves. Exceptionally so at this age, teens just aren’t mature enough to see what they need to change within themselves in order to make a better long term future, versus a better tomorrow. In regard to the picture on the right I find it extremely true. There are times when I just didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning just to avoid meeting the problems at school because, over time they just wore me down. I know of two people that can help me. One can only help me for a little while and the one that could cure me forever sadly wont. The ultimate cure seemed possible for a while but that dream was shattered long ago. Now I just have to learn to get through it myself. It all starts once I get it through my thick skull that I need to make myself happy before I try to make other people happy.

i have finally figured it out

So, for the longest time, I have always loved summer. I never knew why until just about 2 minutes ago when I was thinking about relationships. Summer is the season that frees bonds. It is the metaphorical key to the shackles that imprison me while I am at school. No matter where you go or how much a school enforces and polices “cliques” and crap, they are inevitable. Because of that, there is this kind of standard or idea that you have to live up to in order to a) become ‘popular’ and b) has ‘everything’.  For me especially during summer, I am not with the same group of people long enough to realize what their idea of ‘perfect’ is. During the school year, there is this RETARDED unwritten rule about dating. I guess it varies depending on the school, but here, it is: girls can date guys in the grade above them or in their same grade and guys (rarely) date girls in their own grade, but prey on the younger grade instead. If you are screaming in your head right now… you have the right idea. It is INSANE! Summer allows you to be who you really are and more importantly sort out and recognize your feelings for maybe one of your closest friends. It is also the time of great revelation. For example, this summer, I figured out why I am the way I am. When I was little, I used to always watch princess movies. I LOVED the Disney princess movies. Somehow, Prince Charming would find out and appreciate me. How wrong was I? Apparently really wrong. Anyway, that’s just the way that I am and ill have to deal with it. So I just wanted to share in a way, but kind of vent at the same time. I guess it is kind of a lot to take in at one time. Actually its not that bad, I’ve experienced worse but somehow, keeping it in made me feel like I was going to vomit in an odd way. Very odd. I might as well carry on. So the picture on the right, is kind of sad I guess. Sad in like true way. People are always saying relax, just be yourself. When people say that to me now, I know I am under scrutiny so I am anything but myself. I kind of become this nervous shell of me. I guess that’s not a good thing. Probably a flaw in my character but I guess it is at least good to realize that. On the other hand, it might not be healthy to be thinking about all of the flaws in my character… it’s a no win situation. Its kind of ironic too because I am supposed to be optimistic according to the etymology of my name and my astrological sign (OOHHH big words) but I think that I am the most pessimistic person I know. That’s slightly sad. I guess those kinds of things aren’t always true anyway. I still don’t even know if I believe in them. Sometimes they seem so right like they are perfectly on track for what is happening in my life at the present but then other times, they seem completely WRONG in every way, opposites almost. Also today, I finally was woken up to reality when I was hit by a snowball of sorts. I have sadly been replaced by a friend which is never a nice thing to experience. It isn’t like this hasn’t happened to me before, but now its different. I actually have this empty pit in my stomach. It isn’t huge, but I can still feel it there. It is I guess most like an emptiness that attempts to fill its self with questions, and the fact that his new “best friend” just so happens to be someone who despises me for reasons that are still unknown to me doesn’t help. My mind is now flooded, asking myself what I did wrong, even though I know it probably wasn’t anything I did but more what I wasn’t. The worst part about it, is really the fact that subconsciously I knew we were drifting apart but actually telling me that he has a new Best Friend is just sad. It’s sad to think that I, we, were his friends and he can just pick up and move away from us, just like that. I just don’t understand. And I know I shouldn’t blame myself but I still do. So now I am off dreaming again about this “perfect guy” how teenager of me. Sometimes I just want to kill the teenager inside of me. So my friend found these songs on youtube and they are really pretty nice. Hope you like them. (just by the way, the picture/conversation on the left I thought was really cute so.. enjoy!