i have finally figured it out

So, for the longest time, I have always loved summer. I never knew why until just about 2 minutes ago when I was thinking about relationships. Summer is the season that frees bonds. It is the metaphorical key to the shackles that imprison me while I am at school. No matter where you go or how much a school enforces and polices “cliques” and crap, they are inevitable. Because of that, there is this kind of standard or idea that you have to live up to in order to a) become ‘popular’ and b) has ‘everything’.  For me especially during summer, I am not with the same group of people long enough to realize what their idea of ‘perfect’ is. During the school year, there is this RETARDED unwritten rule about dating. I guess it varies depending on the school, but here, it is: girls can date guys in the grade above them or in their same grade and guys (rarely) date girls in their own grade, but prey on the younger grade instead. If you are screaming in your head right now… you have the right idea. It is INSANE! Summer allows you to be who you really are and more importantly sort out and recognize your feelings for maybe one of your closest friends. It is also the time of great revelation. For example, this summer, I figured out why I am the way I am. When I was little, I used to always watch princess movies. I LOVED the Disney princess movies. Somehow, Prince Charming would find out and appreciate me. How wrong was I? Apparently really wrong. Anyway, that’s just the way that I am and ill have to deal with it. So I just wanted to share in a way, but kind of vent at the same time. I guess it is kind of a lot to take in at one time. Actually its not that bad, I’ve experienced worse but somehow, keeping it in made me feel like I was going to vomit in an odd way. Very odd. I might as well carry on. So the picture on the right, is kind of sad I guess. Sad in like true way. People are always saying relax, just be yourself. When people say that to me now, I know I am under scrutiny so I am anything but myself. I kind of become this nervous shell of me. I guess that’s not a good thing. Probably a flaw in my character but I guess it is at least good to realize that. On the other hand, it might not be healthy to be thinking about all of the flaws in my character… it’s a no win situation. Its kind of ironic too because I am supposed to be optimistic according to the etymology of my name and my astrological sign (OOHHH big words) but I think that I am the most pessimistic person I know. That’s slightly sad. I guess those kinds of things aren’t always true anyway. I still don’t even know if I believe in them. Sometimes they seem so right like they are perfectly on track for what is happening in my life at the present but then other times, they seem completely WRONG in every way, opposites almost. Also today, I finally was woken up to reality when I was hit by a snowball of sorts. I have sadly been replaced by a friend which is never a nice thing to experience. It isn’t like this hasn’t happened to me before, but now its different. I actually have this empty pit in my stomach. It isn’t huge, but I can still feel it there. It is I guess most like an emptiness that attempts to fill its self with questions, and the fact that his new “best friend” just so happens to be someone who despises me for reasons that are still unknown to me doesn’t help. My mind is now flooded, asking myself what I did wrong, even though I know it probably wasn’t anything I did but more what I wasn’t. The worst part about it, is really the fact that subconsciously I knew we were drifting apart but actually telling me that he has a new Best Friend is just sad. It’s sad to think that I, we, were his friends and he can just pick up and move away from us, just like that. I just don’t understand. And I know I shouldn’t blame myself but I still do. So now I am off dreaming again about this “perfect guy” how teenager of me. Sometimes I just want to kill the teenager inside of me. So my friend found these songs on youtube and they are really pretty nice. Hope you like them. (just by the way, the picture/conversation on the left I thought was really cute so.. enjoy!