one thing i dont get

so in my oh so very interesting life today i witnessed a conflict that has been going on for a few days now that started with a simple status update made by a 7th grader that ended up in a bunch of 9th graders in short bullying him. it is very possibly and in my opinion true that the 7th grader (we'll call him Charles) did instigate after a while and contribute to the conflict but that does not justify 12 9th graders telling him he is useless and should "piss off" although i understand that this is just a regular occurance in middle school it doesnt make it right or make me feel any more comfortable with the idea that it is on going. I guess the part that one of the main 9th graders in the argument says he is against bullying and discrimination against the gay community but it makes me question his fundamentals and morals. does he really believe in what he is doing? or is just to show the world a side of him that seems likeable and outward towards the community. but at any rate it isnt right, no matter how wrong, for a gang of older people to go after one 7th grader.

great expectations

all of my life, i have done things for other people. I have tried to be good for my parents and get good grades, do lots of extra curriculars, spend hours doing homework, take the hardest classes. but this is my year. its is my last year in this school with my friends. in all reality as much as i want to hope and wish that someday we will all go to college together or really spend time with all of us in one place, its not really going to happen. the next time that will probably happen is at someones wedding. so anyway, i had this idea ever since i knew that this would be the last time. i wanted my last year with the wonderful perfect, awesome people to be all about us. this year was supposed to be all about us. it was supposed to be our year to goof off, to make total and complete fools of ourselves, it was supposed to be our year for everything no to go perfectly, but it wasnt supposed to go like this. i never asked for an someone to walk into my life and turn it upside down and inside out and ruin everything by accident. i didnt ask for a random valentine! what dont people understand about me not wanting them to like me! im not supposed to be charming and nice. i am supposed to be the awkward girl who sits in the corner of the lunchroom with her friends obnoxiously fangirling over the latest glee episode, or what darren criss wore at last nights award show, or how perfect grant gustin and taylor swifts children would be. i odnt want people to chase after me because in all honesty, i am not interested in a relationship that is going to last for 3-8 days. i dont need that sudden neon blinking neon sign over my head saying in a relationship. and i dont want the facebook backlash of CONGRATS!! and IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!! when really they shouldn't care about what i am doing in my spare time (as if i had some)

about me

blogging. something i have not so recently given up. after a short run of slight depression and a lot of time off, i have decided to start blogging again. so to simply start i will be telling the entire internet, or whoever stumbles on this rather unfortunate piece of writing, about me. what is there to know about me. well.... i guess you could say there is a lot of stuff but i have brown eyes and hair. my hair has a strange tendancy to be extremely curly and fun although i look quite out of place in any family portrait. i absolutely adore my teal doc martens whom have seen me through my best and worst days and they have the scars to prove it, but i love them that way. headbands are another obsession of mine, mostly ones with sparkles but also bows and flowers and... well just about anything really. i have this strange inclination to be obsessed with things including, glee (although it has gotten quite terrible lately), starkid productions, taylor swift, boyce avenue, road's end farm (aka heaven on earth), and PONYBOY (more commonly known as Doyle, the golden pony at road's end farm). although i am not completely obsessed... i also like musical theater, regular theater, collecting random things, being crafty, photography,  making overly sentimental gifts with said photography, quotes/lyrics, concerts, and travel. in the winter i am much more of a night time person in the fall/winter/spring but in summer i am totally the first one at the barn haying and feeding. my wardrobe couldnt really be described with one word. i love flanel shirts with jeans and a tank top but also summer dresses and cardigans. pretty much i just mix and match everything and top it all off with my docs and a headband.... my idols are: taylor swift, darren criss, grant gustin, tom woodman, and sophie siegle-warren. kinda wide on the spectrum of people but whatever. i love my family to death including my two awfully trained beagles. i love writing about anything and everything but lately i have been in a slump made of a combination of lack of time and writers block. i also love my friends luca, leyla, gaby, lara, and steffen to pigfarts and back (its on mars) they are the coolest, most  awkward and talented people i know and i cant imagine a life without them.

forgive,forget, move on

by now, you should know hes no good for you. you should know, it actually hurts me to see you with him. you are so much better. your so much better and you know it. somewhere deep inside you, there is a part that knows what hes doing is wrong but you make excuse after excuse and forgive him again and again. if this continues, where will it stop. whether you want to face it or not, it is abuse. im afraid it never will. i am afraid that he will never stop until he has destroyed everything that is good about you. everything i like about you. and then in turn, he will destroy a little bit of everything around you. look what he did to steffen. you cant deny that what he said isnt cruel, yet you forgive, you forget , you move on. in the end, it is your life, but from right now on, if anything were to happen that hurt you beyond repair i think i would put myself at fault because i didnt say enough but it is your life and if you want me to stop i will. do whatever is right for you.

a disappearing act

i guess the hardest thing about all of this, is knowing that inside of you, there is a guy i once upon a time enjoyed the company of. every passing day, it becomes a little harder to see that genuine person. for this, i must ask myself, did i see the real you? or was that just a stunt to get my attention? if it was, you should do stunts more often because your a better person that way. you used to be awesome and funny and fun to be around, now you walk around acting like your on top of the world. i used to see right through it too but i guess the hardest part your act is becoming less transparent and seemingly just becoming who you are. youve got this notion of what you want yourself to look like, and its not who you are. im sure somewhere deep down, tucked in a far corner, someone genuine is hidding, just waiting to come out. i just hope you find him before he disappears all together.

misleading letters+magical moments+heat=me right now

hello outer-gallactic-terrestrials. i will start with heat, because it is indeed easiest to explain. randomly today right after school it got hot, like summer hot. this was kinda nice. moving on to magical moments, i spent the afternoon hanging out with none other than the steffen-ator. i think we were on the trampoline for 3 hours.. more or less and we just talked. it was enchanting to a whole new level. its kinda hard to imagine life without him. its almost like i think i would be a totally different person if i had never met him. its sad to think one day i wont see him on a daily basis... for that matter i might not even see him on an annual basis. but... they were magical moments filled with nothingness that made them so special and memorable. its so easy to get caught up in the moment with him that i barely realize any time goes by. and i was thinking of the amount of should-be-awkward moments there are but they arent at all awkward. its almost... natural. the next and seemingly final part of my day is not so happy. for a problem that started last night at the dinner table with my brother has proceeded to today. after a series of harsh words ( i thought i stayed relatively quiet but apparently not) he ran upstairs to his room not to be seen until morning. today, he left a not on my bed pretty much saying i tell him my grades are better than his just to get at him. (as you can see i found this to be a personal attack on me because there is a part in the letter that directly refers to me by using my name) and you know what? maybe i do use it to get at him a bit because with him, i can never win. im not stronger than he is so he can over-power me by not hurting me badly but just enough to upset me, he can argue with me about anything, he can play music as loud as he wants while i work, but suddenly i am not allowed to play music while he is working, etc. and in situations where i cant win, i look for alternatives, doesnt everyone. no one likes to fail repeatedly.if anyone who reads this enjoys failing, maybe i am just seeing life through a really extreamly warped way, but i am thinking im not too far off the truth.

stay golden ponyboy,

guess who?
emiglo...
how did you know!

the art of depression

There once was an artist

Who painted a picture

Painted on a canvas, white as snow.

Two children who began to row

Down the river into a dream

Of love ‘til it began to tear at the seam

Revealing a life of pain and cries

Seen in dead eyes

It is here that this painting resides

But the paint was made of lies

And the canvas was her life

And her paintbrush was her knife

So deeper she breathed the happy air

Deeper more became her hole of despair

Until she could not longer climb out

And no one listened to her shout

So she painted a picture in her head

A dark sad picture filled with red

She saw the end of the tunnel ahead

Smiled even though she would soon be dead

For a life tied together with a smile

Is bound to come undone in too short a while

So if you are tempted to take your life

I will counsel you to think twice

And think of those that you leave behind

There, you will surely find

The strength to carry on.

First draft...... feedback? i am out of my writers block which is a good thing. the spiderwebs have been somewhat evacuated from the backdoor of my head and i am beginning again....