forgive,forget, move on

by now, you should know hes no good for you. you should know, it actually hurts me to see you with him. you are so much better. your so much better and you know it. somewhere deep inside you, there is a part that knows what hes doing is wrong but you make excuse after excuse and forgive him again and again. if this continues, where will it stop. whether you want to face it or not, it is abuse. im afraid it never will. i am afraid that he will never stop until he has destroyed everything that is good about you. everything i like about you. and then in turn, he will destroy a little bit of everything around you. look what he did to steffen. you cant deny that what he said isnt cruel, yet you forgive, you forget , you move on. in the end, it is your life, but from right now on, if anything were to happen that hurt you beyond repair i think i would put myself at fault because i didnt say enough but it is your life and if you want me to stop i will. do whatever is right for you.

a disappearing act

i guess the hardest thing about all of this, is knowing that inside of you, there is a guy i once upon a time enjoyed the company of. every passing day, it becomes a little harder to see that genuine person. for this, i must ask myself, did i see the real you? or was that just a stunt to get my attention? if it was, you should do stunts more often because your a better person that way. you used to be awesome and funny and fun to be around, now you walk around acting like your on top of the world. i used to see right through it too but i guess the hardest part your act is becoming less transparent and seemingly just becoming who you are. youve got this notion of what you want yourself to look like, and its not who you are. im sure somewhere deep down, tucked in a far corner, someone genuine is hidding, just waiting to come out. i just hope you find him before he disappears all together.

misleading letters+magical moments+heat=me right now

hello outer-gallactic-terrestrials. i will start with heat, because it is indeed easiest to explain. randomly today right after school it got hot, like summer hot. this was kinda nice. moving on to magical moments, i spent the afternoon hanging out with none other than the steffen-ator. i think we were on the trampoline for 3 hours.. more or less and we just talked. it was enchanting to a whole new level. its kinda hard to imagine life without him. its almost like i think i would be a totally different person if i had never met him. its sad to think one day i wont see him on a daily basis... for that matter i might not even see him on an annual basis. but... they were magical moments filled with nothingness that made them so special and memorable. its so easy to get caught up in the moment with him that i barely realize any time goes by. and i was thinking of the amount of should-be-awkward moments there are but they arent at all awkward. its almost... natural. the next and seemingly final part of my day is not so happy. for a problem that started last night at the dinner table with my brother has proceeded to today. after a series of harsh words ( i thought i stayed relatively quiet but apparently not) he ran upstairs to his room not to be seen until morning. today, he left a not on my bed pretty much saying i tell him my grades are better than his just to get at him. (as you can see i found this to be a personal attack on me because there is a part in the letter that directly refers to me by using my name) and you know what? maybe i do use it to get at him a bit because with him, i can never win. im not stronger than he is so he can over-power me by not hurting me badly but just enough to upset me, he can argue with me about anything, he can play music as loud as he wants while i work, but suddenly i am not allowed to play music while he is working, etc. and in situations where i cant win, i look for alternatives, doesnt everyone. no one likes to fail repeatedly.if anyone who reads this enjoys failing, maybe i am just seeing life through a really extreamly warped way, but i am thinking im not too far off the truth.

stay golden ponyboy,

guess who?
emiglo...
how did you know!

the art of depression

There once was an artist

Who painted a picture

Painted on a canvas, white as snow.

Two children who began to row

Down the river into a dream

Of love ‘til it began to tear at the seam

Revealing a life of pain and cries

Seen in dead eyes

It is here that this painting resides

But the paint was made of lies

And the canvas was her life

And her paintbrush was her knife

So deeper she breathed the happy air

Deeper more became her hole of despair

Until she could not longer climb out

And no one listened to her shout

So she painted a picture in her head

A dark sad picture filled with red

She saw the end of the tunnel ahead

Smiled even though she would soon be dead

For a life tied together with a smile

Is bound to come undone in too short a while

So if you are tempted to take your life

I will counsel you to think twice

And think of those that you leave behind

There, you will surely find

The strength to carry on.

First draft...... feedback? i am out of my writers block which is a good thing. the spiderwebs have been somewhat evacuated from the backdoor of my head and i am beginning again.... 

day 9- my beliefs

there is a lot that i believe in. but there is also a lot i dont believe in. so i guess i will start with the latter. i dont believe that middle school/highschool guys know how to love or what it means to say, " i love you" i dont think the school year is a time for living. in fact i think it is time for partial death. more like hibernation i guess. you hide the real you and shove in a deep dark hole in your mind with all sorts of awful memories. and then that inevitable hole in your personality is filled with the need to succeed, not for yourself, but instead for those around you. loading yourself up with pressures to occupy yourself from missing your better half.  then you keep your happy summer memories close enough to be accessed if absoloutly needed but far enough from letting yourself go too far into un-you-ness. i believe that summer has given me the blessing of camp. and camp, has provided me with a sort of time travel. back to somewhere around 1950 with no internet, no phones, no external contact with the exception of  snail mail. i never really understood the joy of recieving a letter addressed to you and openning it up plus reading handwritten text. not to mention how many hours of long Tom talks have enriched my life. i believe in life you have to wake up and die right. i also believe cleaning tack is one of the most theraputic thing (plus it makes your hands SUPER soft) only second to riding horses. Finally, I believe Doyle is my horse soulmate (more know). and all that isnt even scratching the surface of what i believe. just a little taste.

stay golden ponyboy,
emi glo

untitled (on purpose)

hello outer blog-o-sphere. today marks the ned of vibrant life. bright greens shrivel into gross little, wrinkly, brown grossness. trails untouched by all except magical dew turn to trodden paths because today is, the last day of summer. today is the day where i am forced to leave behind the best summer of my life. it will whither away never to be seen or touched again. done. all of the good times to be over shadowed but piles of paper and homework slowly tightening its chokehold on my neck until it crushes me completely at which point i will numbly and as emotionlessly as possible for the rest of the year until i can finally be revived by he hope of going home again. its a sad day. goodnight freedom. im so sad your silvery spirit has been shackled and bottled up for the next 11 months. goodbye sun. without your bright rays i will become pale and begin to disappear all together before you know it. but ponyboy, you stay golden. if you dont, i swear there is no point in living. promise me.

stay golden ponyboy,
emiglo

2 months and 4 days

outer blogoshpere, since there seems to be nothing out there... i am going to blog to no one. soooo.. if you havent guessed i have not blogged for 2 months and 4 days.... why this is.. i could give you a lot of reasons but no one, i am not going to waste your time. how considerate of me right? (rhetorical question) at any rate i am on number 8.. if i am not mistaken which is.. a moment... well.. a moment would be hard to pick considering the fact that there are about a kajillion just floating around up there.. some where... some how mixed between the stratosphere and the outer limits of space. i am sure they are caught up between strands of constellations and jet trails it just might take some time to locate and then detangle them from the mess. after being really quite cryptic about this.... if i had to pick one of this summer it would have to be between the summer night at the bonfire after everyone left and we had cape bonding next to the dying embers or when the love of my life ran out of the gate directly towards me. but of a life time of moments.. thats impossible. or nearly. and a lot of these moments would be figments of my imagination. enchanting and magical moments that in reality were at best mediocre. normally these involve fake totally romantic ideas.. silly really... but nice to have an escape from a bleak situation.

stay golden ponyboy,
emiglo

Poem in your pocket day

April 14th is poem in your pocket day. you have one of your favorite or personal poems in your pocket all day long and you recite it to whomever will listen. i love the idea... so this is what i wrote, its called 

Octobers Under the Stars

feel free to comment below.... if its not good just tell me.. i want it to be as perfect as can be. and if your comment is stupid and you know it... dont leave it.

At 12 she gave up on love,

She said it was a lie the foolish told.

When push cam to shove,

They said she gave up on the world.

But that was a lie.

All she wanted was stars.

They said that's like asking for the sky,

but she knew they were wrong because she had the scars.

At 13 she gave up on them.

She said they werent real friends.

She was ready to let go of the flower stem.

They siad she gave up on happy ends.

But that was a lie.

All she wanted was stars.

They said that's like asking for the sky,

but she knew they were wrong because she had the scars.

At 14 she gave up on him.

And at 14 she gave up on the stars,

because only he could give them to her.

who are you to say??

soo...YOU THERE......who is probably a follower which is why you are kinda freaking out about you mental image of me is pointing to you in 3D, this song really is an accurate display of some stuff that went down at the beginning of this year. i have just realized how much i dispise judgements.... you dont know what happened, actually, you as blog followers either do or can easily find out by looking back into... lets say september 2010-january 2011. enjoy somewhat alien-like beings from the blogosphere.

05- my day

 

You arent the same person you were,

and its all because you were with her

You can claim you are the same,

but all i see in you is change.

I have no clue what to say

but hopefully, come May

there wont be a doubt in your mind who you are

you've already come this far

so dont give up the fight

just stay with me tonight

and dont change

is there a reason whenever you cry youget cold? is it physically trying to numb the pain? if so, it doesnt help

05- my definition of love

get ready for a LAME blog post because honestly... i have NO idea!!! i dont think i have ever been in real true love... at least like they make it seem in fairy tales. no romantic evenings.... not really, but i do plan certain evenings that are perfect . i have this nail polish called some enchanted evening. usually it involves some über cute guy playing a cheesy song on the ukulele by this "enchanted" tree. :D ohhh my reality is nothing like my dreams..... but the actual feeling i would have no idea what it is because i dont believe i have ever felt it before... so thats just about it. this post is really short, but i am not sure what else to fill it with. i mean.. i just dont know. there are things that i want to believe but i dont know from first hand experience so i dont want to spread fake stuff.

Unicorns & Marshmallows,

MOI

04- what i ate today

yes, this is accurate "friends" for outer blog space. today I ate my feelings alive. you know whats funny? (i know you dont) i think that feelings are living but yet by eating them i do not feel as if i am murdering something. even though they are a part of me i dont consider me eating myself... im trying to think of the word for that because its not cannibalism entirely but.. oh well, you get the idea. the drama has a history that takes far too long to re-tell not to mention type.. so ill just let it be. so now alien bloggers... i must go do that awful thing called math homework..... i will again eat my feelings and do it in the most docile and tepid manner you have ever seen anyone complete quadratics

marshmallows & unicorns,
I

03 – Your parents.

no, before you assume it, im not saying i hate my parents like that stereotypical teenage girl. yes whomever it may concern... im not that bitch you all know. i love my parents dearly and i couldn't imagine a life without them. its just lately stuff has been out of control. i fear for the worst blogosphere as i normally do but it seems as if everyday i come home this warm sheltering cocoon home is supposed to be turns into a war zone. its kinda like if you imagine yourself in a structured giant cloth bag that is secure and warm and at first it seems like its just fraying at the edges but then everyday you notice it a little bit more, and more, until it is barely there. i wish for one day the war zone could stop to let me recover a bit. i used to hate when people would block the world out with their iPods but now i understand. my iPod has become my only safe haven. how pathetic i know your thinking but the truth hurts. how ironic though, reader, i am hurting myself from a truth i have said.

t swift

saw t swift last night in concert and dont have time to do a real post.. but here are some pix ^^^^^ sorry about the lack of wordage.. but this is all i have time forrrr

unicorns and marshmallows,

E

polaroids/ NUMERO DOS

hello dear nobody who doesnt read this blog. i have decided good followers are very hard to come by so i am talking to you. whoever you is be you that perfect follower or just someone who passes through. that makes almost no sense. you should know i am trying and it makes sense in my head. maybe if you care to stick around for a while you can figure out what goes on this space and understand!!!! soo.. polaroids are AWESOME and here are some that i have done as well as some other random bright colored photography i am going to try and brighten my otherwise cloudy day with!!!!!! yay for sarcastic optimism!!

 

 (on second thought make the colorful photos a colorful photo... the other ones werent too great)

(awkward transition) blog 2-my first love

wellllllllll imaginary or not so imaginary person who is reading or not reading this, i found a definition for true love and i really like it. if you havent noticed... its to your right. according to this.... no then. i havent experienced true love. although it is weird because there are things that i have loved this much but all but one of these things just so happen to not be human. all of them are horses. as for the person.... i guess actually persons because there are two, Steffen my neighbor and best friend and Tom Woodman. Stef helped me let loose. i dont have to be a perfect person around him and to not have that pressure is amazing. its a paradise to the war zone that my house, a supposedly secure place, has become. and then Tom. he is the camp director of my favorite place on earth. he has taught me so much about life and the value of please and thank you. the countless amount of quotes that he has said will always rest in my mind. in a less human sense... i love Jimminy Cricket. the first and last pony i ever leased. i like to think of him as my frog prince. the one who made me believe and LOVE horseback riding. then Vanessa. my favorite camp pony. a slow, fat, darling morgan baby. so stubborn yet so cute. so as a whole... i dont think this was what you were looking for.. but first loves all depend on your definition of love. 

unicorns & marshmallows,

E

dear blogosphere, (1- introduce yourself)

 greetings from outer space, this is an alien life form and I am talking to YOU..... actually, not really. sooooooo fellow bloggers THE ULTIMATE GUESSING GAME: you have to guess how i am feeling today! if you guess it correctly... well... we will save that part for later. if YOU guessed sick with the common cold (symptoms: REALLY sore throat, ear hurting, head aching, nose running/stuffing etc.) and as a result i have watched a few too many AWESOME astronomy documentaries on youtube. (you dont have to tell me im a dork.. i already know) but whilst metaphorically "surfing" the net (what a weird expression) i checked on a commenter's, frenzied, blog and she was doing this AWESOME, for lack of a better word, thing. so each day, or in my case blogpost, i have to do the assigned topic... FUN FUN FUN!!!! sooo here is the schedule:

Day 01 – Introduce yourself.
Day 02 – Your first love.
Day 03 – Your parents.
Day 04 – What you ate today.
Day 05 – Your definition of love.
Day 06 – Your day.
Day 07 – Your best friend.
Day 08 – A moment.
Day 09 – Your beliefs.
Day 10 – What you wore today.
Day 11 – Your siblings.
Day 12 – What’s in your wallet.
Day 13 – This week.
Day 14 – What you wore today.
Day 15 – Your dreams.
Day 16 – Your first kiss.
Day 17 – Your favorite memory.
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday.
Day 19 – Something you regret.
Day 20 – This month.
Day 21 – Another moment.
Day 22 – Something that upsets you.
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better.
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry.
Day 25 – A first.
Day 26 – Your fears.
Day 27 – Your favorite place.
Day 28 – Something that you miss.
Day 29 – Your aspirations.
Day 30 – One last moment.

(awkward transition) 1- pssst, im gonna introduce myself here

hi, my name is Emiko. i am a proud social outcast at my school and my group of friends consist of 3 people. one of these people might i add lives on the opposite side of the world. i love horses, my family, my dogs, my imaginary pet whale Pascale, crackly nail polish, fantasy romance, books, and a lot else. i can speak english and french as well as a very limited amount of japanese. i have been an ex-pat from the US for four years. i have had a **** load of social issues this year but currently stuff has toned down. when i grow up i want to be a journalist.. i think, but right now im just a fun loving teenager that would give a lot of stuff (NOT EVERYTHING) to have more fun. this year has been stressful to say the least and i vent a lot on this blog. i am in a cast of about 30 people for our Middle School play of Treasure Island, you might be thinking, WHAT PART WHAT PART??!!, if you werent too bad because im gonna tell you anyway, dont flatter yourself... im an extra. this pisses me off for 2 reasons, 1 because the tryouts were SO biased on who was in the musical last year. THE ONLY REASON I DIDNT TRY OUT LAST YEAR WAS BECAUSE I WAS SICK!!!!! the second reason is i know i could have done so much better at the tryouts if the casting guy had given me a chance. he gave people from last year 5 min. per part they read and i got 30 seconds. i couldnt even get in character!!!!! sometimes i wouldnt even get to say a line!! so... that is my story, in short. if you need more insight you can look under the MOI tab located under the header.... orrr you can stalk my older posts. either way im not really gonna know. see you... i was gonna say soon but not really... i probably wont ever see you.... so see you probably never!!

unicorns & marshmallows,

probably the only person in the world with an imaginary pet whale named pascale.... ME

OH WILD ABYSS THEY CALL BLOGGER

yes, i am currently addressing YOU! feel the love.. probably not, but at least you know that im trying to spread the love. well… trying might be exaggerating because i know none of you so at this point im pretty much talking to myself. but you know what is weird about blogger…. when you make a blog they try a make you not feel like a loner by giving you one follower to start… and then your all like… ONE FOLLOWER ALREADY??!! so you/i click on it because i am a total stalker just to figure out its blogger.. W O W. but anyway….. awkward transition into my day which i am sure you are all so keen to hear about…. IT SUCKED…. what a surprise wild abyss. today i actually am a loner so the one blogger follower  made me feel like… actually, i was going to say better but it didnt make me feel any better. oh i lead such the happy life. HURRAY FOR UNICORNS, MARSHMALLOWS, AND PONIES…. in other words the only decent things on this planet. ok there are others… but i either cant admit them because it would cause me to sink lower down in the social food chain than the guy that wears his pants up to his nose which is saying something…. you know whats funny, i never imagined, when i was six, that my middle school life would be like this and if my high school life is at all similar…. my ideas couldnt be further than reality.i always thought that some fantastic guy would sweep me off my feet and id go to prom with him in a huge ball gown that was cotton candy pink and sparkly. growing up was such a glorious thing when you are little but now i just want to go back. how depressing. well i suppose i kind of over wrote… so if you decided not to quit reading before this… thank you for listening to me being… well…. me.

unicorns & marshmallows,
Moi

 (just another awkward transition...) uhmm just to explain a bit.... i am pretty much starting over... almost like a new blog but im kinda to lazy to make an entire new one.... sooooo yeahhh, BYE

ambivalence + stars

so... if you cant guess from my title, i am feeling ambivalent. so much change is surrounding me that i have changed my blog name twice in the last 24 hours, considered cutting off almost all of my hair, and considered making a new blog. so... whatever followers still read my blog... of which i think there is one... i am going to ask you! i know you are going to tell me 1. DONT CUT YOUR HAIR OFF!!! (oh and did i mention i might stop blogging?? that was an options too) so i guess the final question (its multiple choice so this should be easy)

What should i do??

a. delete this blog
b. start a new blog "The Polaroid Bear"
c. continue with my plan for this blog
d. both a & b
e. turn this blog into "the Polaroid Bear"
f. change this blog into the life of the human companion pony cause thats what i feel like
g. get a tumblr blog

so.... help me decide or not... eventually i am going to decide for myself

and whilst i am procrastinating so much, i am going to tell you why i am at war with myself about stars. i love stars and hate them. they are so damn pretty but every time i look at them and feel depressed because i am never going to be able to reach them. on the contrary when you are in the maze that we call life, its the only thing that guides you through. they are the same everywhere in the world. so theres the post

so its all new

i have to make this quick... but this is the new road, to a new me. one who now refuses to lapse in and out of slight depressive cycles... and attempt to make my blog a little more unique.. starting tomorrow. you will see why tomorrow.. it has to do with me not being able to find my cam. cord.... but yeahh... im exhausted so..


love & sweet dreams with triple ice creams!!!,

emiko

and the season, they go round and round...

i have been trying to post for the last week, i cross my heart and pinky swear, but every time i start and get a couple of sentences in, it just doesnt feel right.  it has also come to my attention i have "not been the same" since the auditions for our school play, treasure island an i could see how my best friend here could come to that conclusion. the conscious decisions i have made lately have been taking a toll on my mental strength to say the least. deciding what to do and when to do it has been proving to be a difficult task. the other day, i was looking through an old scrapbook of mine and i came across some pictures of me horse back riding when i was six. i thought of the pony, Jiminy Cricket and had a sudden urge to find the rest of the pictures.when i found them, i scanned them onto the computer and since then it has really sunk in. i miss being that oblivious. nothing mattered to me except for Mr. Cricket and me. it was a fantasy world i made for myself. i miss being in a place where no one could touch me. i was the best at everything without having to stress, i had a pony. since then, so much has changed. Jim got put down almost two years ago, I found my soul-mate of a best-friend, i fell in and out of "love" if you can even consider its out there and now im sitting on a fence, i have screwed up my social life and then restored it to a manageable state. and now, all i can think about is that one verse in the circle game:

And the seasons,

they go round and round,

and the painted ponies go up and down.

We're captured on a carousel of time.

We can't return,

we can only look,

behind from where we came

and go round and round and round in the circle game.

Love & Melancholy,
Emiko

your gonna have to wait... sorry :(

so, i tried out for our school play, Treasure Island, and i have this gut and some what sense guided assumptions that i didnt make it even if i was, i think mildly better than other people... but anyway, i cant say anymore because... i dont want to.. i dont know... its a combination of like a bajillion things but my next blog post will be on thursday or friday depending on my homework situation and where you are in the world. so yeah! happy tuesday my awesome, perfect followers!

Love & Dreams, Hopes, and Fears all gumbled up into one big ball of emotion... its not going to be a good night sleep.. again,

Emiko

some writing competition i wont win... but i want to try

so this writing contest is first within out school and then the best 2 get sent to another contest... the topic is "Looking for the Real Me" so... here is what i have:


Sept 2010
A plan

The words
A frown
The tears
A thought
The decisions
An Answer
The wrong one
(found on a to go cup in the trash, Upper field)
Oct. 2010

I was the girl
Who wouldn’t let go
I lived in my house
I looked like my photos

Now I am that girl
Who you think has it all together.
The one who always had the plan
But, the truth is, I am not perfect.

I have flaws.
I can’t read your mind.
Sometimes,
However impossible it seems,
I make mistakes.

I know,
My expectations are high
And not everyone out there is like me.
Believe me.

Now I am that girl
The one who smiles,
Hiding everything inside
Because it hurts to talk.

Because after all, I am not perfect.
So don’t pretend
I’m not broken,
I can see it
In your eyes.

Now I am that girl,
I am that girl who changed
Because this friendship was torn
And never mended


Now they ask me,
“What happened to you,
The two best friends that were
Crazy about each other”

Now I have to tell them,
“I guess I’m just not
That girl
Anymore,”

I stand outside your door,
You won’t even take me in,
So I wonder if you even remember
What it was like.

Because I remember,
I remember that one conversation,
“I love forests,”
“Why? You can get lost in them,”
“You can get lost in your own mind,”
“I can get lost in your eyes,”

What happened to that boy?
He was so perfect,
And that girl,
Who is that girl now?


You strung me along,
Not thinking,
Leaving me to believe,
Even though it is all in my head

Why is it now,
When I have finally moved on,
That you tell me
I could have had so much better?

Now,
You have changed me.
I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve,
I don’t expect anything.

People change.
But, right now,
Right this second,
I can confidently say
I am the girl
Who will carry on
Who will put a smile on her face,
Even if it is not me
Simply because,
They said,
“smile”

(found on the inside cover of Romeo and Juliette, the memory tree)
Nov 2010
Slipping away feels easy
Until you start to get the blame
From people who you call friends
But are not sure why.
Why don’t they understand?
I need you most now.

I may be pulling away
But I just need to see
If I fall down the rabbit hole
Someone
Anyone will follow.

(found on the bottom of Mimi’s Shoe, train tracks)

Dec 2010

I can feel it in my bones.
Not like a blizzard,
Or arctic winds,
Just the settle of regret in my mind
(found written in permanent marker on chair number 3, Snomass Mountain)

Jan 2011
*insert ridiculously awesome poem here*


so obviously im not done.... but feedback??!! and not that anyone wants to put this on their blog.. but if you do, i worked really hard so if you could give me credit that would be awesome.. thanks

Love & Writing Randomness,

Emiko